Dear Spiders,

As a mature, well-educated, scientifically-minded and compassionate adults, I know that spiders are beneficial critters, beautiful, talented, dainty and deadly, largely to bugs which, lets face it, don’t appeal much to me. As exoskeletal creatures go, spiders rank at the top for me.

 

Logically.

 

Unfortunately, my response when unexpectedly faced with a spider is generally not driven by logic. So, in my best interest and yours (because, though talented and venomous, I have a weight advantage and am not afraid to use it), there are certain ground rules which, if you follow, will certain serve your life expectancy well.

 

As a good host, there are places in my house that are well suited for spider occupation, both because of low traffic, but also because one is less likely to scare the crap out of me and get reflexively killed. However, I must warn you that spiders that I recognize as deadly venomous will not get a chance to plead the fifth – and I know what you look like, so you’d best find a more congenial host.

 

For instance, my garage is fair game for any non-lethal spiders since I try not to go in there anywhere but the freezer and, if something else must be fetched, try to find someone else to do it. Also, the tops of my windows, which you’ll be pleased to know are never cleaned, are fair game as they are out of reach of most of my cats and my children and are generally covered by window treatments. As my house is frequently dark (and is not high on bugs) that might be a good hunting place anyway. If you are so adventurous as to take out a wasp (a creature I loathe inside my house), and I see evidence of such in your web, I will actively work to preserve your life. My son’s closet is another spot as he can’t open the door (because a very heavy bunkbed blocks it and the far corners of the high ceilings in my room are also fine as long as you have the good sense not to drop on me or my children. You can also amuse yourself in my cupboard with wine glasses since I bought them with my ex-husband in mind and never use them.

 

Places I would avoid involve the pantry, since it’s ill lit and I’m likely to freak out, on or around where my children sleep (which isn’t safe for you anyway), anywhere you’re likely to land on me or stationed in my bath or shower in such a way you land on me. The tiny spider that’s taken up residence in the corner of the shelf is welcome to stay (though the bath you took earlier may change your mind) as long as you don’t (a) grow to monstrous size, (b) turn out to be a baby recluse (since you’re definitely not a black widow), (c) move somewhere where you might be tempted to drop on me or (d) hatch a million microscopic spiders and take over the shower stall.

 

I’m hopeful, with this understanding, we can all learn to live in harmony.

 

Sincerely,

 

Stephanie Barr

Lauralee Proudfoot, I wonder if Ross would enjoy this.

Of course he would, and so did I; thanks for allowing us to share it here.

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